Bamboo Eau De Toilette (Gucci)

Perhaps the "Alt-Right" has a point after all; it's frightening to think that political correctness has neutered Italian bravado into the stuff of pallid white florals. Yet when I smell Bamboo EDT, a pallid white floral is pretty much the long and short of it. Yes, it's well balanced. Yes, yes, yes, I know, I know, it's well made, I get that. Every synthetic analog of fruit and floral is modestly rendered against a wan, woody, chemical background, all fogged up with white musk. It's a fragrance that smells pleasantly uninteresting on a woman when you're both crunching the company numbers, but which suddenly becomes intoxicating after hours, when fragrance is the only thing she has on. But that's not really a convincing argument for it. A great frag deserves higher praise.

The truth is that beautiful women don't need great perfumes. And by "beautiful women," I mean whatever women you're into. (Beauty is subjective, and honestly, I'm not being "PC" when I say that.) When a man digs a girl, the last thing he's worried about is the pedigree of her fragrance. She could be wearing her husband's Brut, and if a guy thinks she's sexy, he'll assume she's wearing "girl stuff," and his hormones will just block out the rest as they zero in on the score. Men aren't sophisticated when it comes to sex. We're not complex machines when it comes to spreading our genes. Our brains go into autopilot, our senses search out pheromonal stimuli - the invisible, musky smells secreted through skin, hair, mucous membranes - and our "conscious" noses, always eager to identify burnt toast and spoiled milk, take the night off.

Still, it would be nice to return to the days when women wore foghorn frags to dampen the essences of their competitors. Loud perfumes, often commissioned (without irony) by men, played into women's unending interest in the other women around them. Whether to arouse innocent, friendly small talk between office girls on a luncheon, or catty disapproval, with backhanded comments whispered snidely behind unsuspectig backs, feminine "powerhouse" fragrances like Paris, Poison, Chanel No 5, and Gucci's own Rush were patterned for sapphic and tribalistic mores. Women wore perfumes so loud and garish that sharing an elevator with them meant you stopped on whatever floor had the Tylenol. And even though I knew they weren't wearing them for me, I thought their olfactory egotism was charming.

Bamboo EDT just reminds me of everything we've lost.


  1. “Even the most miserable life is better than a sheltered existence in an organized society where everything is calculated and perfected.”
    ― La Dolce Vita

    That was my favorite movie when I turned 18. I wanted to be Anita Ekberg dancing in a Roman fountain with Marcello chasing after me. I bleached my hair platinum and cut it into a pageboy. I rode a pink Vespa around San Francisco and wore buckets of Laura Biagiatti's Roma, Versace Blonde, and Il Bacio by Borghese for 2 yrs but never found my Marcello. PFFT! Oh well. I learned to speak fluent Italian with absolutely no accent.

    All the Italian brands have gone brodosa e castrata! Che tristezza!

    Versace- I was interested when Bright Crystal came out because I liked the notes and Alberto Morillas can do no wrong. Wrong! Faint floral/fruity mess that was over in 10 minutes. Even the more intense version was ridiculously wan. I completely agree with you on Bamboo. Get with it Donatella! And to add insult to injury Versace Blonde is being discontinued.

    Prada- After Candy it's been nothing but iris/orris/panty liner/baby powder bombs for the gender neutral/asexual crowd that wants to smell like they're wearing a diaper I suppose. Yawn.

    Dolce & Gabbana- The One series has been nothing but diluted versions of Lancome's galaxolide/ethyl vanillin bomb Tresor for years now. Some of their super pricey stuff is ok but not worth the $ IMHO

    Gucci- the whole Flora series was so danged feeble you could barely make out what it was supposed to be. Come on, an Italian gardenia should slap you in the face and an Italian tuberose should make you cower in fear.

    Armani hasn't done much besides their Prive collection since Acqua di Gio. The Prive collection was ok, nothing too exciting though. Roberto Cavalli went off and died somewhere. Bulgari has always been boring. Nina Ricci's still living in 1948.

    Boo! Bring back baldanza e bravata!
    Anywho, Italian style has always been famous for it's bombast & bravado. It was always in exceptionally good taste, but unmistakably bombastic & relentless in bravado nonetheless. I miss it. Wah.

    1. American culture is in the twilight zone right now. I never thought I'd see the day when I despised liberalism and "progressive values," but that day has actually arrived, and it shocks me. We have self-proclaimed "tolerant" and open-minded "liberals" who are calling for assassination of the President-elect. We have fear mongering running rampant throughout the ranks of the news media, poisoning the dialogue by injecting false narratives about "white nationalism" (whatever the fuck that is) and of course the big one, racism, having taken over government. We have whiny teenagers and twenty-somethings sobbing and ranting into their YouTube feeds like acid abusers on one big collective bad trip. And meanwhile every movie that comes out is a stilted snooze fest made by people who spend copious hours upon hours carefully editing, editing, rewriting, rewriting, "toning down" whatever life the rough drafts of their screenplays had in them. We have "artists" releasing songs so mindless and soulless and sanitized, with lyrics coming from places devoid of any pain, loss, anger, hatred, or even basic life experience, that I've heard better tunes in Burger King commercials. And we have "journalists" who think that scouring Twitter for offensive content and reading each other's editorials counts as investigative work, and who then publish pointless crap that neither informs nor illustrates anything to do with the real world that I live in.

      Fragrance? You said it. Many "safe" fragrances. A coworker sprayed some Febreze today and I momentarily wondered if it was someone's perfume. Our country needs to get its shit together. We're America, and we can tell the IFRA to fuck off if we really want to. If Donald Trump is going to be our fearless leader, then perhaps we should take a momen to wonder if the man is doing something right, and channel that angst into perfume, and a resurgence of the classical. Put oakmoss back in the formulas. Amp up the concentrations tenfold. Throw a hundred and fifty different notes into the compositions, and make at least twenty-five of them instantly discernible to moderately experienced noses. Bring back offensive fragrances. Bring back offensive characters in movies. Bring back dirty, tawdry, pain-addled song lyrics. Leonard Cohen died, but his magic doesn't have to die with him. I want the life and soul of the human race back. I want people to stop being "triggered" and offended every three seconds. I want it all. And I want it now.

  2. I loved this on more levels than I could shake a bamboo cane at. ;)

  3. I have just been schooled by a white youngster from Illinois on FB as to why self proclaimed/tolerant/open minded/progressive liberals in the DNC are entitled to be rude, disrespectful & condescending to "white working class" folks in the US-

    "White working class" is an inherently racist phrase and self-designation.
    They're not pissed about being poor and neglected as much as they are about being WHITE poor and neglected. They don't want equity; they want the privileges promised by white supremacy AND enough money to Lord it over marginalized people.
    No, we DON'T have to be sympathetic or respectful or patient with that frame of mind. They could choose to simply be "middle class" alongside marginalized members of the working class, but they don't - they romanticize their position with tales of sorrow and a specifically white designation."

    I have no idea how one can choose to be 'middle class' instead of 'working class' if one does not have a job. But I can understand how the DNC 'suicided' & Trump won now. Glad I'm not livin' in the USA!

    1. It's ongoing insanity, Bibi. And I know it won't stop anytime soon. Trump will either save the country or destroy it. Either way, one might argue it's a win-win scenario.


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